From death to life
I won’t lie, the last 6 months of my life have been difficult. I’ve dealt with a lot of health issues and a general sense of being buried deep and unable to come up for air.
Things started changing after my trip to New Mexico, and as I drove to an appointment on Monday, I pondered what it might all mean. As I pondered, I saw a picture of a seed. With the picture came a rush of revelation about what God has been doing in my life. He has been bringing me through a season of death to life.
A seed must die before it can be fruitful. John 12:24 says “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” I feel like I am the seed that fell to the ground and died. Especially in the most recent difficulty with vertigo, I felt completely helpless, unable to do anything. All I could do was rest and wait. When you’re truly dead, you can’t do much.
In the midst of all this, I felt like a complete failure in God. I felt He was far away because I didn’t even have the strength to seek Him. For the most part, my heart was unoffended, but I simply couldn’t feel anything - including feelings for God. I know He loves me, I know that all He does is good, but I was just…dead…and that is right where He wanted me.
I have come to the end of my own ability, my own strength, and I have found His grace is sufficient for my weakness. I have learned that it’s okay to not have all the answer and to not bear all the responsibility for life “working” on a day to day basis. I was not a failure by God’s standards. How can something that is dead do anything but lie there and be dead?
Now I feel like I’m just waking up. I can see the sprout starting to push through the soil. I am very excited to see what kind of fruit I can bear for God and what other seeds I can produce!
My heart feels free. I feel more free to love, to express, to explore, and to grow than ever in my whole adult life. It’s a fantastic feeling.
