There was this moment today, when I realized I just…feel…happy. Content, happy, and balanced for the first time in a long time.

I blame a lot of it on this little dog named Toby. Bringing a 5 month old puppy who knows nothing of civilized life has caused me to change my lifestyle in a pretty significant way. No longer can I spend endless hours at my computer working and wasting my life away. He requires a lot of exercise, time, and of course, my undivided attention. I don’t even feel like I’ve taken enough photos of him, because when I’m with him, I love just being completely present, engaging his young mind and body in games and snuggles.

It’s hard to believe he’s only been with us for two weeks today. He’s already physically bigger than he was when we brought him home, and he’s calmed down considerably.

I’ve been taking him in two walks a day, whenever possible, which is two walks a day more exercise than I was getting before. I am also playing games of fetch, and hide and seek and just generally being more physical. I have lost enough weight to be back in what I consider my “normal” sized jeans! (I must also disclose I am doing a gentle, 30 day colon cleanse thing too that is contributing to my shrinking waistline.) I believe all this physical activity is a major contributor to my feelings of joy and happiness.

I have taken Toby to agility classes the past two Saturdays and he really enjoys it and is very good at it. I will likely continue with these until next summer, and then whenever I have time. I’ve also taken him to obedience class (he was pretty awful at that, but will get better) and out to the barn where I board Maggie Sue, where he got to play with 2 german shepherds and 2 labradors.

I’m definitely Toby’s favorite human, and we have developed a very strong bond already. Tracy has been gone a lot lately working out of town, but he and Toby are starting to make their own special bond. Tracy loves to play games with Toby and give him scratches.

I’m grateful for all of life’s seasons, but this one feels especially sweet to me today.

Meet Toby!

Toby is a 5 month-old miniature schnauzer puppy who came to live with us on Halloween.

After Monty passed away, I knew I wanted to get another dog. I was thinking of a late November or December timeframe, because now that the leaves have fallen, and horses have grown winter coats, I have a lot more time because photo shoots slow way down.

I started contacting breeders shortly after we lost Monty, figuring I would need to get on a waiting list to get a pup ready to go home around my timeframe. We were wanting a male, black and silver or salt and pepper colored, and a dog that would be a fairly good size.

One of the breeders I contacted wrote me back that she had one dog left over from a litter of 8 that had been born last May. She said he was a great dog and that she really wanted him to go to a good home and ask that we consider him. She also sent photos, and my heart melted. We considered it for about a week, and then gave her our answer – yes, we’ll take him.

The challenge was that he was ready to go now, not in a month! So I asked if she could hold him until October 31st, because our schedules were quite full until then. She agreed, and the anticipation began! I felt like I was a kid waiting for Christmas, counting the days until I could hold him!

The day finally came and we made the 3 hour drive to go get him. We had a friend with us who visited family in the area while we picked him up. It was so good to have her to talk with and distract me from my overexcitement!

We arrived at the farm where he lived and just as soon as I laid eyes on him, I was struck by what a beautiful dog he is! He’s black, with silver legs, face markings, and beard. He’s just so, so handsome, and downright cute! He was also wild. Really, really wild. I had read all the way through Cesar Millan’s new book “How to Raise the Perfect Dog” and the chapter on dogs in “Animals Make Us Human” by Temple Grandin. When I saw how wild he was, I was a little nervous that I didn’t know enough to deal with his high energy. But I knew we could figure it out.

He rode home like a trooper and even fell asleep in his kennel and slept through about 45 minutes of the trip. The farther we got from his first home, the calmer he got. And now he’s really mellow. I believe the quiet atmosphere of our home has really had an effect on him. He’s very calm and cuddly, yet he also loves to run and play and have fun. A great balance!

The breeder told us her dogs were extra smart, and now I believe her. We decided to hang a bell by the door that he would ring when he wanted to go out. He learned how to ring it to go out in less than a day. He also learned how to navigate the stairs in just a couple of days. (The first day he took all the stairs down at once and came up limping, but he’s better now!) I can’t wait to take him to puppy classes and watch him learn – the place I’m taking him also had puppy agility on Saturday mornings. I think he’ll love that!

We’ve had a few potty accidents, but he’s learning quickly in that area too. He’s a puppy, so he likes to chew a lot, this is where what I learned from Cesar is really coming in handy. When he chews on the wrong thing, we correct him and quickly offer him one of HIS toys and praise him. He’s chewing on a lot less already.

On a personal level, Toby is helping me live a more balanced life. I really spend too much time at my computer and caring for him is making me break that bad habit. He is also keeping me active with lots of play time and daily walks. He’s my new workout program!

I’m amazed he was not chosen over his 7 siblings, but a big part of me thinks he was meant to be ours, and was just waiting for the right time to come “home.” I’m so happy, and so in love with our little Toby.

This morning we lost our Monty. I wrote a tribute to him on my other blog. I wanted to share a little about our day, and some other thoughts about our loss.

I had a sleepless night. I fell asleep with Monty contently sleeping in my arms. An hour later, I moved him to the foot of the bed, where he always sleeps. Around 2am, I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I held Monty as much as I could, and just stayed with him. I wasn’t in a hurry to sleep, knowing that in just a few short hours, I wouldn’t be able to just be with him anymore.

When I did finally fall back asleep, I had a dream. We were at the vet’s office. The vet tech was there, along with Tracy and Monty and myself. Monty started to slip off the table and I asked Tracy to catch him, and he couldn’t. Then I asked the vet tech to help, and she couldn’t. He just slipped away. When we got to the vet’s office, the vet tech who was with us during Monty’s passing was the woman in my dream. I’ve never seen her before, but she was the exact person.

How I interpret the dream is that Monty was slipping away. All of Tracy’s extra special care for Monty couldn’t stop it. Extra veterinary measures, which had extended his life at least a year, if not two, couldn’t help him anymore. It was his time. This dream is such a comfort to me now. When I wonder if we did the right thing, I go back to the idea that he was slipping away and we just made that passing more peaceful.

9:30am came all too quickly. The morning was filled with tears and sobbing, hugs, kisses, and a weak effort to keep things as normal as possible so he wouldn’t get upset. He has had a lot of ups and downs lately, and this morning was an “up” morning. In some ways that made it more difficult. His eyes were so bright and he was more engaging than usual. It was tempting to cancel the appointment, but it would only be delaying the inevitable again, and I’m not sure my heart could take another day/week of saying goodbye.

I see it now as a gift that he was so alert this morning. We spent lots of time in bed with him. Cuddling. Remembering. Weeping.

As we left, I was so sad to think of all his lasts. His last time in our home. His last car ride. I let him look out the window the whole way. As we approached the vet clinic, it started to turn gloomy and rain. The weather, a reflection of our hearts.

We were with him as he passed. I wanted my face to be the last thing he saw as he drifted to sleep, and I believe it was.

Coming home, we gathered up his things and put them away. We don’t need the constant reminder right now of his absence. It is obvious without having to see his empty bed, dog bowl, treat bowl, and the schnauzer bobble-head that sits on our counter.

Along with sadness, we feel a sense of relief. This has been a long time coming and has been like a looming cloud overhead. It doesn’t lessen the pain that much though. I still long to hold him in my arms and kiss the top of his head.

There will be another dog. I can’t imagine our lives without a canine companion to pour our love out on. We will need some time to grieve Monty, and let our schedules settle down a bit. The earliest would be November.

Throughout this process, I updated a lot on Twitter/Facebook and received an outpouring of love and support from both friends and strangers. It has been such a comfort to me to go through this process feeling embraced and loved by so many.

I’ve struggled with the question of whether or not I would see Monty again in heaven. I found this by Joni Eareckson Tada. “If God brings our pets back to life, it wouldn’t surprise me. It would be just like him. It would be totally in keeping with his generous character. . . Exorbitant. Excessive. Extravagant in grace after grace. Of all the dazzling discoveries and ecstatic pleasures heaven will hold for us, the potential of seeing Scrappy would be pure whimsy—utterly, joyfully, surprisingly superfluous. . . Heaven is going to be a place that will refract and reflect in as many ways as possible the goodness of joy of our great God, who delights in lavishing love on his children.”

It would be just like my heavenly father to do something like that. To lavish His love and goodness on us by bringing Monty back into our eternal lives. This is the hope I hold onto.

The nicest hotel I've stayed at - Isleta Casino and Resort

I stayed at a hotel for my commercial job yesterday. I realized how much I like staying at nice hotels. I mean, I’m not talking 4 stars, but I mean Holiday Inn Express instead of Super 8.

As I contemplated my nice hotel with white blankets, a multitude of varying firm pillows, high-speed internet, and a hot breakfast, I realized that part of why staying at a nice hotel matters to me is that it makes me feel like I’m on vacation. It brings back memories of my childhood, when staying at a hotel on vacation was a special treat. Even though I am pretty much a grownup – something about booking and staying in a hotel makes me actually feel like one.

A photo from my first visit to a Hampton Inn. How rightful that we should stay in the room with a coffee cup picture.

While I’m sharing my thoughts about hotels, one of my favorite is the Hampton Inn. I will pretty much stay at one whenever I have the opportunity. The consistent high quality of these hotels lets me book with confidence. One of my favorite things about the Hampton Inn is their clever branding with clean text, simple design, their use of black and white photos with local flavor. As a designer and photographer, I just feel at home there.

Kansas City Trip

The lovely Annie, one of our practice models.

Mid-July, I took a solo trip to KC to visit friends and do photography. The “do photography” part yielded about 7000 photos! Before you freak out, one of the projects I undertook was to photograph about 100 leaders at the International House of Prayer. Figure I shot about 10-15 photos of each, that accounts for about 1900 of the 7000. The rest were from several musicians I photographed, a band, a “Day in the Life” session (another session that yielded over 100o photos), and a couple of fun mentoring/practice sessions, where I took my photography-loving friends out with another cute friend and just played. Playing is key to my growth as a photographer. I’ll write a photo blog post about this soon.

Anyway, in addition to working too much, I was able to spend time with friends there. It’s hard to put into words what my KC friends mean to me. I don’t have a lot of friends here in MN who I can really connect with on a personal and spiritual level, so I often feel lonely and isolated here. But when I’m there, my heart feels at home. I still believe my home, the place I’m called to, is here, but I am thankful for the friendships God has given me there.

(left to right) Alyssa, Austin and Joanna

One special friend is Joanna Reyburn. She is a very kindred spirit and our friendship is unlike any I’ve ever experienced. We are so similar that being with her is effortless for me. I enjoy her and learn so much about life, God, art, science…you name it…when I’m around her.

Joanna invited me to stay at her house this trip, and it was just what I needed. I felt completely “at home” and enjoyed acting like I was in my 20s again, staying up late into the night with Joanna and her roommate Alyssa, on our laptops, talking, laughing, and eating junk food (which, my body reminded me, is not something a 39 year old person should do very often!)

Joanna is also my newest photography mentee. She has dabbled in photography and has done some really great work with her film cameras. Last spring, she bought my Canon 20D and has been taking some really fantastic photos. She has a very creative eye and great artistic intuition. I am so excited to watch her grow, which she is already doing SO FAST, because she is incredibly smart and has the heart of an artist. And did I mention she has a really cute dog?

My “Kids”

Tracy took this photo of us with my new studio setup.

Monty is doing well. It’s amazing, but this dog has at least 9 lives. While I was in Kansas City, he went very low again and Tracy thought we would have to put him down when I got home. Then, he bounced back once I was home (I can understand not wanting to go on with life without me there – ha ha). We’ve just decided to not make a plan for now and just take it day by day. We are praying that God will make it crystal clear when the right time comes to put him to sleep. For now, I am just letting my heart continue to love him until the very end.

I moved Maggie Sue to a new boarding barn on Friday. The barn I was at was lovely, but there were no other boarders who rode when I did and I was getting a bit lonely and bored. I also wanted to be able to bring friends out to ride, and because it was a private farm, it could not be allowed.

The new barn is just down the road from the old one and just 2 minutes closer (I LOVE closer!). The people are very nice and Maggie Sue seems to be really happy there already. I was worried about the transition, but she’s made it more smoothly than I could have imagined.

She is in a pasture with her new friend Lacy, who she actually seems to LIKE (she tends to be a little anti-social). She’s had friends before, but she would still pin her ears at them when I was feeding treats, or they were just in her way. I watched the two of them together and they already have a tight bond. It makes my heart happy to see that.

As a bonus, I found out last night that not only can I bring guests, but if I and/or they want to take a dip in the barn owner’s pool, we are totally welcome! I was just thinking the other day how much I would like to go for a swim somewhere. I must be really excited about this, because I dreamt about swimming last night.

Work

Tracy did not get that job I mentioned in a previous post, but he is still looking. We are trusting God to open and close the appropriate doors and guide him to the right job, or increase his current business.

Thankfully, the photography business is going like gangbusters right now, so we are hanging in there financially. Monday, I am shooting for Cargill. It’s going to be a monstrous, 14 hour photo shoot. But like I told someone last night, when I am photographing horses, time virtually stands still. I know 14 hours will feel like about 4. Or at least, that’s my hope. I am also teaching an online course through the Equine Photographer’s Network starting Monday (Tuesday, actually), which should keep me at my computer a lot for the next 6 weeks. I am excited about it, though. Teaching is very fulfilling for me.

God

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Gal. 5:1 NIV)

There are so many good things happening on the God front of our lives. For me personally, the theme of this past season has been “freedom”. God has been setting me free from the religious “shoulds” and self-righteousness that I have picked up over the years since I became a Christian. I was relying on my own ability to follow the rules of acceptable behavior to be in right standing with God. So I’ve laid down many of the rules (ones that are not based clearly in scripture) and I am finding great liberty in my heart and life. This doesn’t mean that I’m “backsliding” in God, it means I am gaining a true relationship with Him where I look to Him to show me boundaries and lead me down right paths. I have come to see that by following a bunch of rules, many of which did not come from scripture, but were merely cultural, I was substituting those rules for a relationship.

Well, if you’re still reading, thanks for taking the time to catch up with me. I hope you have a beautiful Sunday.

Maggie Sue, getting x-rayed by Jamie the vet.

Good News
Maggie Sue’s x-rays don’t show any significant problems (just the usual old horse with small feet navicular changes, but nothing major). She just needs to go back to the kind of shoes she was wearing before to make the angle of her foot different. This frustrates me a bit because if my farrier had listened to me, this is exactly what we would have been doing, and my horse would not have been in pain, I would not have had to pay for x-rays, and I would not have lost 2 months of summer riding. But, what’s done is done and I’m just glad she is going to start feeling better and I should be able to ride by August. The good thing about having x-rays done on a regular basis with an older horse, is that we can track any changes that take place over time.

Good News
Monty seems to be feeling a lot better. Monday, when we made the decision to put him down today, he was in terrible shape. Very listless and seemingly depressed. As of yesterday, he was his happy self and even got up and walked on his own a few times. Our plan with him is to take him to the vet and have blood work done so we know exactly what is going on as far as kidney or other possible problems. Maggie Sue’s vet actually said he could be dealing with something treatable. Wouldn’t that be nice!

Someone wrote me an e-mail last week about when she put her dog down. She prayed that God would let her know “beyond a doubt” when it was time for her to put her dog down. That time came and she felt complete peace about doing it. We are now praying for the same.

Good News
My three-day commercial photo shoot scheduled for M-W next week, got rescheduled for August. Now I have some room to breathe and prepare for my trip to KC. I might even leave a day early. God is just so good. He knows exactly what I need.

We have no big plans for the weekend because I thought I would be in the throws of grief. I have to meet the new farrier at 11am Saturday so he can shoe Maggie Sue. I might hit a few of the vintage stores in town, and just spend time with my beloved Tracy, Monty, and Maggie Sue. I love my family.

I want to thank all of you who have commented here and on FB and Twitter, and have sent notes of encouragement to me. I know these aren’t the worst things that could be happening in my life right now, but to me, they are difficult and real and now, and I so appreciate having friends who understand that. I pray you will all receive the same kind of comfort from those around you the next time you walk through difficult days.

Monday morning, we decided Friday would be the day. I then proceeded to cry my eyes out all day long. Ugly, puffy-eyed, headache-inducing bawling. We’ve seen this coming for two years, I can’t believe I am still this devastated. Having a week to plan for it does have its pros and cons. I like that we have time to plan what we want to do and can just spend time holding and kissing our dear, sweet, warm, living dog. I buried my face and tears in his neck several times yesterday and today, just breathing deep of his smell and the feel of his fur.

Today, I woke up and felt a little better. I teared up a couple of times, but thought I was doing okay. Then I had an appointment for my horse Maggie Sue to have her feet trimmed.

Maggie Sue has not been well either. She has been lame off and on (mostly on) for several months and I was just hoping it would resolve itself with the right supplements and a chiropractic visit. It hasn’t and it’s time to get the vet and her x-ray machine involved. Given my schedule in the next couple of weeks, this all needs to happen over the next couple of days. The vet can’t come out until Thursday, which would leave Friday for a farrier appointment (a likely treatment if she has Navicular Syndrome, as I suspect). Well, I don’t know if I can handle that on Friday. Friday is when we were going to put Monty down.

My farrier was extremely rude to me today and sent me over the edge (not a long trip). I’m done dealing with him and will be using a different farrier from now on. I left the barn in a rage, mixed with grief and a million other emotions. I came home and called Tracy, telling him how the farrier had treated me, and when Tracy mentioned putting Monty down Friday, I lost it. Again.

Add to this that I have a 3 day photo shoot starting Monday, and then I leave for over a week in Kansas City. I don’t have a lot of time to deal with all this stuff and I basically had a meltdown.

So when Tracy came home, we made the decision to take Monty to the vet to have him checked out and make sure he isn’t in pain (we don’t think he is). If he is in pain, we’ll get some meds to make him comfortable. Right now, Maggie Sue has the most acute need for medical attention and with the time I have, I need to focus on getting her feeling better.

Tracy has agreed that if Monty goes downhill while I’m gone, he will do the difficult task of taking Monty to be put down by himself. I would hate for him to have to do that, but it’s a risk he’s willing to take. Frankly, he’s not ready to say goodbye, and neither am I. As long as Monty feels okay, we’re okay to keep him comfortable and extend his life a few more weeks until things settle down a bit.

It’s tough to have aging pets.

Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

Photo by Barnaby_S via Flickr

I won’t lie, the last 6 months of my life have been difficult. I’ve dealt with a lot of health issues and a general sense of being buried deep and unable to come up for air.

Things started changing after my trip to New Mexico, and as I drove to an appointment on Monday, I pondered what it might all mean. As I pondered, I saw a picture of a seed. With the picture came a rush of revelation about what God has been doing in my life. He has been bringing me through a season of death to life.

A seed must die before it can be fruitful. John 12:24 says “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” I feel like I am the seed that fell to the ground and died. Especially in the most recent difficulty with vertigo, I felt completely helpless, unable to do anything. All I could do was rest and wait. When you’re truly dead, you can’t do much.

In the midst of all this, I felt like a complete failure in God. I felt He was far away because I didn’t even have the strength to seek Him. For the most part, my heart was unoffended, but I simply couldn’t feel anything – including feelings for God. I know He loves me, I know that all He does is good, but I was just…dead…and that is right where He wanted me.

I have come to the end of my own ability, my own strength, and I have found His grace is sufficient for my weakness. I have learned that it’s okay to not have all the answer and to not bear all the responsibility for life “working” on a day to day basis. I was not a failure by God’s standards. How can something that is dead do anything but lie there and be dead?

Now I feel like I’m just waking up. I can see the sprout starting to push through the soil. I am very excited to see what kind of fruit I can bear for God and what other seeds I can produce!

My heart feels free. I feel more free to love, to express, to explore, and to grow than ever in my whole adult life. It’s a fantastic feeling.

Beka is her own person. She is very honest, outgoing, energetic, passionate – and sometimes a little crazy! I love spending time with people who are different from me because it teaches me different ways to look at and experience life.

So here’s my short list of things I learned from Beka…

1. There is no “h” at the end of Beka.
2. Music should be enjoyed, experienced, and discovered almost all the time. I realized I have lost my passion for music, but I’m on the hunt to find it again.
3. I want to start writing songs. Beka is an amazing singer/songwriter and really inspired me. You can listen to her singing here songs here.
4. It’s okay to try new things. You don’t have to make a lifetime commitment to them. While shoe shopping: “Go ahead, try it on, I won’t make you buy it!”
5. Coloring with crayons is fun. I have the artwork on my fridge to prove it.
6. The vintage stores in my town are full of treasures. Seeing them through her eyes, it was like seeing them for the first time.
7. Fruit is awesome! Beka probably ate a pound of cherries while she was here. I’ve been eating more fruit since her visit and hope to continue.

There are probably more, but that’s what I could come up with in the time alloted for personal blogging today.

Next up is my friend Joanna – singer, songwriter, designer, photographer, renaissance woman extraordinaire. She arrives tomorrow to be my full-time, live-in friend and help me photograph another wedding this weekend. I’m so excited to have her here too. I fear I’m going to feel lonely after she leaves. Who will come visit me next?

Most of the time, I feel pretty much normal. Normal feels great! I did very well on my trip to New Mexico and even think it helped my overall recovery.

Just when I feel like I’m totally “cured”, I’ll have days like yesterday and today. Yesterday started out okay, but then I drove to my weekly Artist’s Way group meeting about a half hour from home. I got there and the “woozy” feeling associated with the vertigo hit me (kind of a drunk feeling, but without the part that feels good). I thought maybe I just needed to eat, so some of us went out to get some food after the meeting. Eating didn’t help. I was feeling worse.

Thankfully, my friend Tiffany had ridden with me, so she drove me back to the parking lot where we’d met. I was fine to drive home.

I had a pretty awful night’s sleep and woke up woozy and dizzy and I couldn’t walk a straight line. I spent most of the day on the couch, feeling pretty crappy and pretty sorry for myself.

I’ve been reading about this phase of recovery from BPPV and have learned that there are several things that can trigger days like these. I pretty much had all of them: menstruation (extra fluid in the body affecting the inner ears), barometric pressure changes (especially cloudy/rainy days, which we’ve been having) and allergies. I almost always take Claritin every day. Yesterday, I forgot. I won’t be doing that again.

I had this same kind of wooziness after I flew to New Mexico, and after I flew home. Logic tells me that basically any changes to my inner ears cause my brain to short out a bit because it is still trying to compensate for and from the vertigo I experienced.

This is definitely a process, and one that I hope ends soon. It feels like every day I am telling myself “okay, now I am done with this and can go back to life as normal.” But life is not normal yet, and I need to take care of myself.

It’s funny, I woke up yesterday morning when Tracy left for a freelancing job and I told him “I need to take it easy today”. I don’t know why I even said it, and I wish I had listened to myself.

Speaking of Tracy and work, most of you know he hasn’t had steady work for about a year and it’s been a real strain on our life. It’s also caused a lot of pressure on me, because by working hard, I can make up most of the shortfall. However, I believe the extra work has caused me a lot of health problems in the past year. There is a great job opportunity that has opened up for which he is almost perfectly qualified. Even better, it is based out of the city we live in! It seems to good to be true! I am really hoping this is the door we’ve been asking God to open for us. I would ask you to pray God would give him favor as he applies for and hopefully interviews for the job. It has been a huge relief just to think of the possibility of him having steady income and benefits!